General McCrystal Fixes the BP Oil Spill!

Thu, 2010-07-01 05:14

The world owes a debt of gratitude to General Stanley McCrystal. After multiple unsuccessful attempts to plug to hole in the Gulf of Mexico that was leaking 5,000 12,000 19,000 50,000 barrels a day, it took one of the top men in the military to fix the nastiest environmental disaster in our nation’s history.

With the rapidly worsening situation changing so quickly since the spill began on April 22, we feared that it might take Michael Jackson coming back from the dead to ultimately get all of this talk of environmental catastrophe out of the news. Fortunately, things took a turn for the better last week when news of General McCrystal’s glamour piece in Rolling Stone got out. Ever since then I haven’t heard one thing about oily shrimp, drilling moratoriums, or the plight of the po’ boy sandwich.

He may not have been able to end the war in Afghanistan, but at least he made one last sacrifice for his country to stop the spill (after all, if we forget about a problem it just goes away… kind of like the earthquake in Haiti, global warming, the two wars we’re fighting, etc).